A day on the farm

Get woken up by rooster under bedroom window at 4am. Rooster crows trigger guineas in barn to squawk, their cries are amplified on the barn security cameras and blare into the bedroom from the monitor on the nightstand. Guinea squawkin' triggers whiny goat to start bleatin, which wakes up the hogs. All sounds are blared through the camera into the bedroom. Moan. Moan again, check to see if Mr. Wild is awake too. Turn off volume on monitor, go back to sleep. Give up sleeping, get up. Rooster goes back up to the barn.

Make breakfast, get everybody up, eat, get dressed, brush teeth. Put on jackets, gloves, hats and boots, grab feed room keys & truck keys (just in case). Head out onto the porch to see that its rained all night and the yard and hill to barn are muddy slippery messes. Try not to fall (again) walkin up to the barn. Wish the chickens would get out of the way, think about grabbin the dog for support when the slippin and slidin starts.

Feed the goats, close their door so they can't get out to eat the chicken feed. Feed the dogs and the chickens, turkeys, guineas and ducks at the same time so the dogs don't eat the chicken feed and the turkeys don't eat the dog food. Try to hold onto the barn wall for support while slidin through the mud. Hold onto the fence while slidin through the mud to the chicken coop to check for eggs. Repeat on the way back to the barn. Hope the eggs didn't break duriing the sliding and falling (again).

Feed the very very very pregnant cow, fill up her water tank. Scoop out her wet poopy straw and put clean dry straw down. Try not to accidentally touch the chicken poop on the cows gate. Feed the peacocks and hens. Try not to get hit with flapping wings. Try not to touch the chicken poop on the peacocks door handle.

Feed the hogs. Talk sweetly to the male hog hoping he'll not make a break for it again. Try not to get pushed over by the girl when she wants to drink from the bucket instead of the trough. Try not to slip in the pig poop. Try not to touch the chicken poop on the pigs stall handle.

Secretly give favorite rooster his own scoop of chicken noms with raisins. Play keep away with the other roosters so favorite rooster can gooble his secret treat.

Feed barn cats. Try to keep younger chickens out of cat food. Try not to step on cats tail when chickens rush at cat food while closing the stall door.

Check on goats. Watch baby goat walk on top of stall wall. Watch baby goats mommy pace and try to get her down. Watch other baby goat try to sneak in a nursing. Watch 1st baby goat fly off stall wall to get in on the nursing action. Smile.

Feed and water rabbits. Be happy they are calm. Be happy there isn't any chicken poop in rabbit room. Watch chickens under rabbit room floor happily pecking at rabbit poop. Sigh, be thankful you're not a chicken.

Get feed bags out of feed room. Fill all barrels for evening feeding. Sweep rabbit room, scoop all rabbit poop through gaps in the floor. Watch chickens fight over rabbit poop. Wonder if chickens will poop green.

Start tractor. Let goats out while tractor warms up. Throw corn to ducks in the creek. Load hay rolls on front and back of tractor. Start truck. Load 200 lbs of feed into bed of truck. Follow tractor down driveway in truck. Look in side mirror of truck to see one of the dogs go under the fence to follow truck down driveway. Put dog back in fence. Three times.

Follow tractor to top of ridge, unload first roll of hay. Call cows and horses ("cow, cow, come on cow"). Watch cows come runnin from bottom, through creek. Watch horses come runnin, spook the baby calves then gallop up hill. Smile. Follow tractor around field to unload 2nd roll of hay. Call cows and horses ("cow, cow, come on cow" repeat, add horses names, repeat).

Drive truck in behind tractor to unload feed into cattle trough. Have mini panic attack when truck slides sideways in mud created by nights rain. Sigh when 4-wheel drive pulls through mud. Unload feed. Get nuzzled by lovey horse. Get pushed by rowdy jealous horse. Slip in mud. Dump feed into trough. Get bumped by pregnant cows while lovey horse wants hugs. Step in cow poop. Slip, almost fall in mud (again). Try not to get stepped on by jealous horse. Try not to get pushed by huge steer calf avoiding jealous horse.

Kick tires on truck to dislodge muddy cow poop from boots. Start to back truck out. Have major panic attack when truck slides sideways towards edge of ridge. Trade places with Mr. Wild. Sit on tractor watching Mr. Wild try to back truck out. Slowly follow truck with tractor. Trade places with Mr. Wild again to move tractor around behind sideways truck. Stay calm. Hook up chains to back of sideways truck. Line up tractor to tow truck. Backwards. Learn to drive tractor in 15 seconds. Slowly start to tow sideways truck out. Freak out when truck starts to slide off edge of ridge sideways. Reline up tractor. Pull sideways truck through ditch, through gate, back onto road. Breathe.

See farmer friend with flatbed trailer see us. Take tractor over to trailer to load. Tell farmer friend about sideways sliding truck and panic attack. Farmer friend gets good laugh. See Mr. Wild driving tractor up onto wet flatbed trailer out of corner of eye. See Mr. Wild and tractor slide off wet trailer and tip down towards slope of field. Have serious attack, cuss, watch Mr. Wild go 4 shades of white. Listen to farmer friend talk Mr. Wild through turning tractor tires to slowly get untangled from trailer ramps and away from hill slope. Recover from attack. Agree with farmer friend to move tractor and trailer away from hill to load.

Kiss Mr. Wild goodbye, tell farmer friend no more driving for Mr. Wild today. Go back down to barn. Fix fence to keep dogs in. Use pole driver to put in 3 more T-posts. Wire to fence. Scold bad dogs. Add more fence near creek to deter escaping dogs. Scold bad dogs. Walk through barn to go to house, see baby goats out. Cuss. See fallen trees near fence, drag over to gap under fence, wire in place. Catch baby goats, put back inside fence with mama. Make sure babies don't get back out. Snoopy dance when fallen tree plan works.

Remember to check broody hen up in hay loft. Climb up hay loft ladder. Get screeched at by broody hen. Smile. Realize broody hen has no food. Go down hay loft ladder, get cup of chicken feed, climb back up ladder. Get screeched at again. Check nest on top of alfalfa hay. Find barn kitty laying in nest. On top of 4 eggs. Smile. Put eggs in jacket pocket, slide down alfalfa hay, go down hay loft ladder. Wish chickens would move out from under feet. Remember to unlock barn shop to get meat out of freezer. Try not to touch chicken poop on shop door handle. Sigh, wish chickens would stay off of barn rafters. See rooster chase barn cat, smile. Remember how much entertainment chickens are. Accidentally touch chicken poop closing shop door. Sigh (again).

Head down to house. Try not to fall down muddy slippery hill. Try not to break eggs while trying not to fall. Realize coffee pot didn't get turned on. See its almost lunch time. Hear rooster on front porch. Open door to find porch chicken laid her egg. Smile. Remind Mini Wild to feed house dog. Feed house cats. Scrub chicken poop off hand. Load dishwasher. Start laundry. Hear pregnant cow moo really loud through security camera monitor. Put on mud boots, walk up to barn. Try not to fall (again). See pregnant cow laying in her hay. Smile. Sigh happy sigh. Check on pregnant, soon to be mama, goat. Give loves and scratches. Smile. Watch chickens run from roosters. Smile.

Turn to head back down to house and see white peacock with tail feathers spread open, strutting. Sigh in awe at his beauty. Smile. Hear hogs snore. Smile. Slide down hill in mud. Realize eggs are still in pocket. Smile when they aren't broken. Wash eggs and put in carton in fridge. Realize that Mini Wild has bucket of eggs. Send text messages to friends to sell eggs. Realize mud boots are still on. Sigh. Wipe up poopy mud tracks. Decide to go check mail. Try not to slip in mud (again) in driveway. Decide to order more rock for driveway. Watch ducks splashing in creek next to driveway. Try to figure out how ducks got through small wire fence. Watch turkey toms play mosh pit style. Smile.

See Mr. Wild and farmer friend pulling in with tractor. Listen to how much work they got done on farmer friends barn stalls. Talk about plans for fixing our barn. Make plans with farmer friend for dinner. Realize its time to feed. Again. Feed and water. Lock shop. Cuss when chicken poop gets touched. Again. Slide down muddy hill to house. Slide sideways and laugh at bottom of hill. Slip in puddle by porch and cuss mud. Go inside, take off mud boots. Accidentally touch cow poopy mud. Sigh.

Run to take shower before Mr. Wild. Confirm dinner plans with farmer friend. Get dressed in non-farm clothes and boots. Double check jeans for farm stains. Smile. Leave for dinner, walk very slow through mud. Pick up farmer friends, drive to dinner. Relax. Smile. Laugh. Eat. Eat some more. Laugh some more. Smile. Enjoy friends. Talk. Laugh. Sigh happy sigh. Make plans for gardens, cows, hogs. Smile. Drop off farmer friends, drive home. Smile when realizing mud is frozen. Snoopy dance on frozen mud. Slip on mud. Sigh.